Are Good Intentions Good Enough? | The Predicament of Hyper-Helpers

I’m going to be 100% honest with you: I’ve had a hard time making time to write content for the blog (obviously, as there hasn’t been a new post since February). When social distancing and quarantine rolled around, it was pretty easy to enjoy a second to catch my breath before graduating college. I cooked new recipes, watched movies I hadn’t seen in years, and finished books that had sat in my apartment since I moved in. I wrote letters to people who mean the world to me, slept in until 7:30 almost every day, and enjoyed my fair share of wine in bubble baths. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to write or that I didn’t feel inspired, but rather that I wanted to take a moment to just be before wrapping up one stage of my life and moving on to the next. While I can understand the generally negative and grouchy attitude surrounding spring of 2020, there are few moments of my last semester that I will cherish more than the days I spent in April, barefoot in just a hoodie and undies, dancing to old Elton John songs while cleaning my apartment at 10 in the morning.

One other thing I was able to do with my extra time this spring was learn more about the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a psychological concept structured around nine base personality types and how they intersect one another. If you’re not familiar with it and are intrigued, I encourage you take a moment to learn a little more about it here, then take a short quiz online to find out what your Enneagram type is here. It can be an interesting way to learn more about yourself and while it’s not the Bible of self-discovery (I actually don’t think any “personality test” is a clear-cut guide to knowing yourself), I do prefer the Enneagram slightly over other systems like Meyers-Briggs because I think it’s a more fluid and holistic approach to personal development.

Months prior, I had taken an Enneagram test and read up slightly on the characteristics of the different types. For those curious, I’m a Type 2 (Specifically, a 2W3 for all you Enneanerds out there). I took the time to learn a little more about what the basic characteristics of a 2 were and then I let it be. Fast-forward to quarantine and I was dying for something to do. Recalling my time spent in introductory Enneagram “research”, I ended up finding a podcast called Typology. In each episode, the host interviews different successful people in regards to their individual Enneagram types. The first episode I listened to was this one, where they interviewed Lisa-Jo Baker, author and fellow Type 2. MAN, did I connect with this episode. I listened to it twice, took five pages of notes, and just hung onto every. Dang. Word. Forgive me for my nerdiness, but I’ve never listened to anything that sounded so much like the thoughts shared by a part of myself that I didn’t even know was there. By the middle of the episode, the podcast crept into territory that served me up her take on this strange casserole of kindness, exhaustion, and vanity that makes up a little something I like to call hyper-helping.

Ahhh yes, the ritual that can most often be disguised as being a “really good friend”. Sometimes categorized as people pleasing, it can seem like a very valiant effort to the naked eye, aimed at helping lift others up for the greater good. A key characteristic of most Type 2’s is a servant mindset: we want nothing more than for everyone to feel loved and comfortable, and to have everything they could ever need in life. We live and breathe to surprise our coworkers with coffee on Mondays, be the shoulders for our friends to cry on, and want to own the home that always hosts the dinner parties and family gatherings. I am by no means saying only Type 2’s are like this. Actually, I think anyone who cares remotely about other people can relate to a degree, even if you think the idea of the Enneagram is junk.

Now, if you find yourself putting others first more often than not, you belong in the “hyper-helper” category. I define hyper-helpers as the people who don’t know how to say no to others’ requests even if they don’t have enough stamina to feed their own needs. They are rarely able to take a moment or a day to themselves, often at the expense of feeling guilty. It can be a mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, spiritually, and sometimes even financially-draining role to fill. Hyper-helpers are actively aware of their actions and might even identify this part of their personality as “who they are”… Anyone here been nicknamed “the mom friend” at some point in their life? *raises hand slowly*

At first glance, hyper-helpers seem like a perfect, noble harmony of personality traits, influenced by nature and nurture. Don’t let this fool you. You may have to sit down for this one, but putting others first isn’t always the purely benevolent effort it appears to be. Whether we realize it or not, we can find ourselves being servants to others’ needs while also being toxically self-serving. What do I mean by this? Think of someone you help often. Maybe it’s a friend, a family member, or a co-worker. Do you ever get tired of helping them or feel like your assistance isn’t appreciated? Maybe you get burnt out and frustrated after spending time with them, or even feel as though the favor should be returned but it isn’t.

Did that individual you just thought about ask for your help, or did you take it upon yourself to serve their needs unsolicited? Sure, because you want to help, but also maybe in part because helping them makes you feel full? Or, because you want to be the one who is the “helper hero”? The way I think about this is that it’s like if you lived in a super run-down house (Think fixer-upper here). Joanna Gaines, queen of HGTV, takes it upon herself to come to your home and completely remodel your humble abode. Granite countertops, oil-rubbed bronze plumbing fixtures, and shiplap in every room. Six weeks later, she presents you a bill for her efforts and is offended when you won’t pay it. Of course, you appreciate the remodel but why would you pay for a service you didn’t ask for? Being a hyper-helper can bring out the insulted Joanna Gaines in all of us before we even realize it. Sometimes, I think we find the novelty of people-pleasing just as or more attractive than actually being helpful to others. Often without knowing it’s happening, we become just as passionate about the idea of being someone who serves others as we are about making a selfless, measurable difference. So, Emily, what exactly are you saying?

Well, what I’m not saying is that it’s wrong to help people without an invitation, or that wanting to do so makes you a bad person. Helping people is really, really pure and important. Caring for others even when you’re not summoned by them or serving needs they don’t directly acknowledge is an intimate and intentional way to build a strong relationship with that person. God put us on this earth to aid and uplift others and if you think the point of this blog is to convince you to not do those things, then I’d ask that you take notes while reading this next part:

What I am saying is that it’s important to double check your intentions before you set yourself up to be the scaffolding for your new, unstable friend. Something that podcast episode helped me realize is how easily you can become consumed in the act of helping, rather than the results. I can think of a past friendship of mine in particular that crashed and burned because I was so focused on being that individual’s entire support system, rather than just one piece of it. We became friends quickly because it was an ultra-compatible situation: there were so many things wrong in her life, some of her own doing and others were out of her control, and all I wanted to do was help. I slowly morphed into more of a mother to her because my time and my energy was consumed with solving her problems, making sure she felt valued, and assisting her in whatever way I could.

At first, all was well. I felt useful and indispensable and as though I was making a positive difference in her situation. As time passed, however, I become exhausted and felt unappreciated. I was so angry with her for not recognizing what I was doing or returning the favor. So, I did the completely mature thing and just shut down. *sarcasm* I weaned myself off of spending time with that friend until eventually I hardly saw her or spoke to her at all. While I don’t think the friendship was destined to be a long lasting one regardless, I do know that I would probably still chat with her once in a while had I held myself back from being her self-appointed guardian. She did ask for some help and was maybe even a little needy at times, but she didn’t ask for me to bend over backwards in the way that I did. It really wasn’t fair to her to completely blame her problems for my friendship burnout. Instead, I overextended my efforts when they weren’t solicited then suddenly became frustrated when I realized I wasn’t getting a very good return on my investment, leaving me with a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.

There was no need for me to run a marathon for this girl when a mile here and there would have been more than enough. I can attest that it’s pretty difficult to realize that. For starters, kindness releases oxytocin in our brain so we are biologically wired to feel good after doing something nice for someone. That chemical high makes it difficult to change your habits right out of the gate. While being a hyper-helper is laced with some selfish and vain elements, we often don’t recognize those in ourselves. Instead, we see limitless assistance as our contribution to the world and feeling good about doing so as a side effect.

Thus, we find ourselves in a strange predicament: We need to, want to, and should help others, but only to a level at which we are not feeling more of a high doing so than the person we’re actually trying to help. Right?

Or should we?

As I mentioned before, please don’t take this all as permission to stop doing random acts of kindness or to cease being there for the people you love. I want to make it clear that if you are a human being (I’ve made the assumption that everyone reading this is), you need to feed that part of your soul. If you’re any level of a hyper-helper, it’s even more important to do those things because it’s your most primitive energy source. But dear friend, you are not personally responsible to provide every ounce of happiness, comfort, and guidance to the relationships you have. Thinking you can do so is both selfish and impossible. Of course, you’re allowed to enjoy the pleasure of serving others but for the sake of your sanity and relationships please, please, please be honest with yourself when going out of your way for others and analyze who you’re really helping.

And my gosh, if you’re lucky enough to be in the inner circle of a hyper-helper, make sure you tell them how much they mean to you once in a while. If you think you’re going to be able to stop them from doing so much for you, think again. Don’t worry, it isn’t your fault. We don’t expect you to match our level of assistance, but a little word of thanks is nice once in a while. However, I also want you to know that if your favorite hyper-helper comes to you because they’re worn out from constant overexertion, please call us out on our bullshit. You’re not responsible for our exhaustion because we chose to go above and beyond the call of duty. The chances of you getting us to help less is pretty slim, but a quick dose of tough love and making us stop to think for a minute can save our relationship with you and with others.

So, herd of helpers, deliver the surprise Monday morning coffee. Proof read the essay. Send them the text so they don’t feel alone. Help them dissect life’s little speedbumps. Hold them when they cry because they don’t know how to dissect life’s big speedbumps. Distribute smiles and laughter and support in excess. It’s not a competition, you don’t have to be the number-one helper by volume. All I ask is that you help who you can, when you can with clear intentions at a level that’s sustainable for you.