YOU'RE NOT THANKING YOUR FRIENDS IN THE RIGHT WAY

Think back to the last time you sent a thank you note. No, not the last time you sent a thank you email or a thank you text, I want you to actually remember the most recent time you pulled out a notecard, penned a handwritten note of gratitude and either handed it to the recipient or stuck it in the mail, the old fashioned way. How long ago has it been? What were you thanking the person for?

If you were like me, up until a year ago, anytime I wrote a thank you note I was thanking my aunt or my grandma or my cousin for a birthday gift (with the exception of the 200 handwritten notes I sent after my high school graduation party). While I was truly appreciative of the things I had received, sitting down to write out my thanks was just difficult to do. In an attempt to speed up the process and take some of the “pain” away, I made a template in my head that usually went a little like this:

Dear (name of person the gift was from),

Thank you very much for coming to my (choose one: birthday, graduation, other) party and for the (insert what they gave you). I really appreciate it! I can’t wait to (choose one: use, wear, watch) it. Thanks again!

Love,

Emily

Can I get a “heck yeah” from the people in the back if this sounds familiar? I wrote every single thank you note this way up until my freshman year of college. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. In middle school I read all of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books and I distinctly remember an entire section of one being based around this concept. I thought it was absolutely hilarious because it was so, so relatable!

As I got older, I did add add a little flare to my notes, but for the most part they followed that template to a T. Sit down, turn out 10 thank you notes, lick’ em, seal ‘em, stamp ‘em, send ‘em. It was just another chore I could check off my to-do list with minimal effort.

This was good enough for me until I got to college. I don’t really know what set me off, I suppose my love of writing combined with realizing my thank you note style sucked and noticing how ungrateful my generation was. Whatever it was, I somehow became a big fan of handwritten notes for any occasion, and I slowly but surely put a dent in my bulk-sized box of blank notecards. With my newfound love for writing notes, I also improved my note-writing style. I went from three thankful sentences to using the top, bottom, and even sometimes the back to fill the card with sincere words of thanks.

The other thing that I switched up was when I wrote notes. I wrote notes to thank friends for helping me study for that awful biology exam, for buying me Culver’s when I was having a crappy day, and for just about anything else in between. Anytime I felt thankful, grateful, and blessed after something a friend did for me, I’d whip out my box of cards, turn out a cute little note, and send it on its way. What I noticed most what how thankful people were to receive a thank you note. A bit of a perpetual cycle, eh? I’d been writing thank you notes most of my life, but up until this point I’d never had anyone respond this way. All of a sudden my little notes were ending up on my friend’s refrigerators and in their billfolds, and people were almost as grateful to receive a thank you note as I was for whatever they did to constitute the note in the first place. “All I did was thank them for being them, what’s the big deal?”

That was the big deal. My friends were happy to know that I was appreciative of the things they do for me, and I quickly realized that I hadn’t thanked them enough or in the right way in the past.

“Wait a minute, there is a right way to thank your friends?”

Find a text you have sent to a close friend recently thanking them for something. How long ago was it? What were you thanking them for? What did you say? I’m going to that guess that it included “Thanks so much!” Three words that can prevent fulfillment in a friendship. The phrase we use in lieu of a sincere statement of gratitude can actually reduce the value of our thankfulness. Still not sure what I mean? Here’s an example:

Let’s say I had a really busy week coming up and made a comment to you that I had no idea when I was going to have time to grab lunch. You, being the totally awesome friend you are, texted back offering to pick me up a bite to eat and meet me on campus with it. I can respond in one of two ways, you decide which you would rather hear.

Option A: “Really? Thanks so much!”

Option B: “That is so nice of you! I really appreciate you doing this for me, even when I know you have a lot of things on your own to-do list.”

I don’t know about you, but I would definitely pick Option B. Even though you are technically still saying “thank you” in the first statement, the latter has so much more weight behind it. Why is that?

“I appreciate you.”

That’s the ticket. One of the most powerful phrases you can use with someone who means the world to you. More often than not, we are just appreciative for the person themselves as we are for whatever they’ve done for us, and using “I appreciate you” makes sure the other person knows that. Saying “thank you” has become such a knee-jerk reaction that sometimes we forget why we are even saying it in the first place, so by appreciating your friend and their actions instead you can make a more meaningful statement. Kat Boogaard wrote a phenomenal blog that expands the idea of making your thankful statements more powerful, you can check it out here. By appreciating your friends, you let them know that you are thankful for what they’ve done for you as well as who they are.

It’s so easy to thank someone for a birthday gift, for helping you study, or for buying you lunch. Why is it so much more difficult to thank people for being thoughtful, kind, and reliable? It all boils down to taking the personalities of the people in our lives for granted. We know our friends are kind, caring, funny, great listeners, incredibly smart and a slew of other things. It’s time we start reminding them why we decided to be friends with them in the first place.

Will telling your bestie “thank you for caring about my safety” feel weirder to say than “thank you for being my designated driver”? Maybe, but do it anyways! Here’s a quick lesson in accounting for you: Think of your friendship as an asset, like a car. When you only thank your buddies for birthday gifts, or you fail to thank them at all your friendship depreciates, and pretty soon it will be worthless. However, when you thank your friend for something intangible, your friendship appreciates in value like a 1957 Corvette.

Something I’ve started doing anytime I write a note to one of my friends is making sure to thank them for being them. All of my closest pals have big personalities, big laughs, and big hearts; three things I love most about them. In my almost 20 years of life, I’ve noticed that we often internalize too many of these things or we assume people just know they are loved. Stop that. How nice is it to be reminded that someone loves who you are?

Grab a blank notecard, piece of paper, or even your phone at the very least . Find one person who means the world to you that you haven’t thanked enough for being who they are. You can write a whole book if you want, but this one sentence will do:

“I appreciate everything you do for me- thank you for being you!”

Ya’ll, nothing will make you feel more lovely than making someone feel loved- Just trust me and try it.